Indiana Jones and The Great Disastery Thing
by LOLIndianaJoneSMD
Summary: George Lucas may have given you 3 Indiana Jones Movies and a 4th Indiana Jones Crap Thing - aliens ruin it I tells ya! .  But this story tells you the REAL story of Indiana Jones and the hardship he had to overcome in his life... The Great Disastery Thing
1. A New Beginning

_**There he stood.**_

_**Indiana Jones, staring straight into Adolf Hitler's eyes from across the room.**_

'_**So, it has come to this' Indy said as a smirk formed on his face.**_

'_**Ja, it has,' Hitler said, muffling a laugh, as his funny-looking moustache tickled his nostrils.**_

_**Hitler quickly gripped his favourite gun from his belt and aimed it at Indy Jones, but our hero (that's Indy btw, if you thought Hitler was the hero) grabbed his whip from his own belt and flung it towards Adolf's gun.**_

_**The whip wrapped around the gun and Indy pulled it from Hitler's grasp, dropping it to the floor. This all happened without breaking eye contact.**_

_**The atmosphere intensified as they stared deep into each other's eyes, sweat dripping off their creased brows. Then it happened – Adolf Hitler closed his eyes.**_

'_**Hah! You blinked!' Shouted Indy Jones while pumping his fist in victory.**_

'_**NEIN!' Hitler screamed, smashing his fist on the table.**_

'_**EIGHT!' Indy screamed back, 'you lost the staring contest, now hand the keys of your Ferrari over.'**_

_**Adolf reluctantly reached into the inside pocket of his fancy leather Gucci jacket to pull out the keys to his red Ferrari sports car. Indy cracked his whip and used it to grab the keys.**_

'_**Thanks buddy' Indy said, 'You still coming to Poker Night with George Washington and Matt Damon on Thursday night?'**_

'_**Nein you dirty swine!' Hitler spat as he spoke with heaps of spit coming out, forming a small puddle on his desk, 'I have no way to get there!'**_

_**Indy began to stroke his imaginary beard while looking thoughtfully towards the ceiling. Adolf stared at the ceiling as well, trying to figure out what Indiana Jones was staring at.**_

_**TWO HOURS LATER...**_

_**Indy was still stroking his imaginary beard while looking at the ceiling and Adolf had started playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2: White Ops on his Xbox 360.**_

'_**HAH, TAKE THAT YOU DIRTY NAZI' He screamed as he killed the dirty German soldiers on the screen.**_

_**Suddenly, an idea popped into Indy's head.**_

'_**I'VE GOT IT!' He exclaimed. He ran over to the xbox and turned it off while Hitler was still playing.**_

'_**HEY! I was –' Adolf started until Indy interrupted.**_

'_**Shut it, I have an idea' Indy placed his hand over Hitler's mouth to shut him up. Hitler started licking Indy's hand while it covered his mouth. Indy gave Hitler a look that said 'ewwww, you gay.' To which Hitler returned with a look that said 'wtf does that look mean?'.**_

'_**What's this idea you swine?' Hitler spat at Indy.**_

'_**We'll go to..' Indy looked at the ground and spoke slowly. He moved his head upwards so he was glancing sideways at Hitler in what seemed like slow-mo, but was just normal-mo but slower.**_

'_**A used car dealer...' He said slowly, watching Hitler out the side of his eyes. The duo ran out of Hitler's study to the garage where Indy's new Ferrari he won off of Hitler was. Hitler was shaking with anticipation of getting a new car as he got into the passenger seat. Indy put the key in the ignition and turned it sideways.**_

_**They turned the radio up to full volume and sang along to 'Baby' by Justine 'I-Suck' Bieber, and laughing out loud. That is, until it happened. Indiana Jones put his foot on the ignition and was excited to drive his new Ferrari... but the car didn't move. The pair looked at the gas meter to realise the worst...**_

'_**The Ferrari...' Indy gasped.**_

'_**It's... it's out of gas.' Hitler whispered as his hand flew to his mouth in shock horror.**_

'_**' Indy screamed as tears started falling down his cheeks.**_

'_**What do we do now?' Hitler screamed as he shook Indy by his shoulders.**_

'_**We.. we must walk,' Indy replied like a true action hero would, in a deep, smooth, slow voice while staring into the sun. The duo tried to hide their tears as they got out of the car and began walking towards the Used Car Dealer, leaving the shiny red Ferrari behind. As they walked away from Hitler's beach house in Malibu, the camera hung back and focussed on something on the shelf in the garage. As the camera zoomed in, it became clear it was a full bottle of gas labelled 'Gas for the Shiny Red Ferrari, use when gas is empty.'**_

_**Then the camera rotated back to focus on the duo walking away as a Suspenseful remix of the Indiana Jones theme tune played in the background.**_

_**To.**_

_**Be. **_

_**Continued...**_


	2. The First Encounter

_**As the pairing of Indiana Jones and Adolf Hitler walked in the hot sun, their exhaustion was apparent from the loud panting they were both doing. Suddenly, Hitler collapsed into a pile of dirt, unable to walk any further.**_

'_**Indy...' he gasped, 'Indy, I can't go any further. We've been in this sun for too long!'**_

'_**I know pal, but...' Indy said, trying to moisten his dry mouth by moving his tongue around. But his tongue was also dry, so Indy was out of luck and had to put up with a dry mouth.**_

'_**But..?' Hitler wondered while he stared at Indy who was flicking his tongue about and making weird sucking noises.**_

'_**But...' Indy said in his smooth, action hero voice that is slow, but not too slow that it'd bore people, he then stared into the sun and put his dark sunglasses on like that Horatio Caine guy from CSI: Miami – ya'know, the crap CSI – does, 'but we gotta keep going and get you that car.' **_

_**Indy looked back up the driveway of Hitler's Malibu Beach House, as they'd only walked 20 metres so far. That's like 56 miles for you stupid Americans and your stupid 'miles instead of kilometres' rule. Just be like the rest of the world already.**_

_**Hitler stared up at Indy with awe, 'Oh Indy, I've been so blind, how could I have let it come to this?'**_

'_**I don't know you stupid twat, now get up, you're embarrassing me in front of the hot babes,' Indy Jones said as he stared at the 50-year-old fat chicks across the road. He drooled at their flab spilling over the edge of their extremely tight short-shorts.**_

'_**Sorry Indy, I didn't mean to cramp your style' Hitler said in an ashamed, whispered tone as he grabbed his big-ass ass-shaped mailbox and used it to help him climb to his feet. 'Let's go,' he said and the pair carried on their way as Indy looked back at the 50-year-old fat chicks and did the 'call me' sign with his hand to his ear.**_

_**THIRTY MINUTES LATER...**_

_**Sweat was dripping off our heroes' like waterfalls, except they were sweatfalls, in the 40 degree sun. (That's in Celcius, which is like 423875 degrees Farenheit for you stupid Americans and your stupid 'celcius degrees suck ballz' rule).**_

'_**Indy.. we've been walking through the desert for nearly thirty-one minutes!' Hitler gasped and panted for moisture.**_

'_**And that's... that's nearly thirty-two minutes,' Indy said in his smooth action hero voice again and he glanced back over his shoulder at Hitler.**_

'_**Dear Lord, you're right!' Hitler said in amazement, 'But, where are we going?'**_

'_**Of course I'm right, I'm... INDIANA JONES!' Indy shouted as he placed his hands on his hips and stood still while the light shone down onto him, like them superheroes do from time-to-time, except Indiana Jones is real. 'And, we're going over... there!' He shouted again as he pointed to a pole.**_

'_**A pole?' Hitler said in disbelief. But then he looked to the top of the pole, and he realised it wasn't just an ordinary pole... it was a BUS STOP! The duo walked up to the bus stop and sat down on those very small benches that can barely hold 2 people that bus stops always seem to have. Yeah, you know the ones I'm talkin' about.**_

_**The two friends had been waiting for a bus for what seemed like AGES, when they suddenly heard a girls voice coming from behind them.**_

'_**Gotta get down to the buuus stop! Gotta catch my bus!' she sang in a very auto-tuned voice.**_

_**Indy Jones turned to look at the girl when she came up beside them.**_

'_**Are you my FRAAAAAAAAAAANZ?' the girl asked.**_

'_**Who the hell are you?' Indy asked with a very judgmental look on his face.**_

'_**I'm Rebecca Black, and it's FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!' she sang again.**_

'_**It Tuesday you dumb hag,' Indy said as he slapped her across the back of her head. Then a bus showed up which cut the child-abuse short. The trio walked onto the bus and Indy asked 'How much per person driver?' but the driver didn't respond, he just reached up and tapped the sign that says 'No Talking to the Driver'. Rebecca Black walked past the group and saw that there were only three empty seats at the very back of the bus. Indy and Adolf filled up two of those seats, meaning there was only one seat available on the bus now, no other seats AT ALL were available.**_

'_**Kickin' in the front seat? Sitting in the back seat? Gotta make my mind up,' Rebecca said, then she looked at Indy and Hitler, 'which seat can I taaaaaaaaaaaaaaake?' she asked with a cheesey smile.**_

'_**A...are you serious?' Indy asked in disbelief, 'there's ONLY ONE FREAKIN' SEAT AVAILABLE!' Rebecca just smiled at him even though he yelled in her face and sat down beside Indy.**_

'_**So, where are you two heading?' Rebecca asked Indy and gave Hitler a seductive smile which made Adolf Hitler blush. 'We're going to Gus Stevenson's Used Car Emporium, to get Adolf here a used car,' Indy said, hoping this idiotic girl would stop talking to him.**_

'_**OH MY GOD I'M GOING THERE TOO!' She screamed into Indy's ear which made him go deaf for a couple of seconds, but only in one ear, so he wasn't fully deaf, only half-deaf. 'Lookin' forward to the weekend?' she moaned into Adolf's ear which made him go redder than a tomato.**_

'_**Ja, reruns of Grey's Anatomy are on all Saturday, then Sex and the City on Sunday. They are Adolf's favourite shows!' Hitler said, clearly excited over his love of girly shows. Indy blocked his ears for the entire bus trip and the 22-year-old Adolf Hitler and the 13-year-old Rebecca Black flirted and moaned with each other.**_

_**When they arrived at the Car Dealership, Rebecca Black got off of the bus with Indy and Hitler because she decided they were her new 'fraaaaaanz'. Gus Stevenson, the car dealer, rushed up to the trio, trying to not make it look like they were his first customers in 3 months. 'HEY PALS! WANT TO BUY A CAR? WANT TO COME AND PLAY SOME XBOX? I HAVE CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS 3: WHITE OPS 2: ASIAN OPS!' Mr. Stevenson shouted in Indy's face while he spat with nearly every word and Hitler's eyes lit up at the mention of the newest instalment of Fag of Doody.**_

'_**No, we're here for a car, because Hitler needs a way to get to our poker game on Thursday night,' Indy snapped, hoping this desperate-for-'fraaaanz' guy wouldn't join their group as well.**_

'_**Okay, well which car would you like?' Mr. Stevenson sobbed quietly as his heart slowly broke when he realised these 3 didn't want to be his 'fraaaaanz'. Hitler looked around for a car he liked, and he noticed a 1967 Honda Craptastic, his dream car, and his heart flew over the moon. 'I want that car!' He screamed and pointed at the car while jumping for joy.**_

'_**Okay, then let's go into my office and make the deal.' Mr. Stevenson said and led the group into his office which had cobwebs growing since it'd been so long since it was used. After they made the deal for $3000 and everyone had signed the papers, the group stood up and began to walk out the door.**_

_**When they left the office, they saw a man dressed in black and a long coat with extremely dark sunglasses covering his eyes. He was standing beside Hitler's new – used – 1967 Honda Craptastic, flipping a coin over and over, like the cool dude he appears to be.**_

'_**Who are you?' Indy asked a cold-as-ice, yet still smooth-as-a-babys-bottom, voice.**_

'_**Me?' The man said, 'Why, I'm...' he continued as he took off his sunglasses and looked towards the group with his dashing good looks. 'Guy, Evil Guy.'**_

'_**Okay, Mr. Guy, what're you doing here? This is MYYYYYY story,' Indy whined.**_

'_**Exactly, and every story needs a bad guy, I'm that bad guy.' Evil Guy said and the camera zoomed in to show the shock on Indy's face as he gave one of these faces :o**_

'_**And as my first act of evil... I'm going to buy this Honda Craptastic...' Evil Guy said slowly as he looked towards the ground, then he look back up quickly and stared straight into Indiana Jones' eyes and said 'for 3001 dollars.' Everyone gasped in shock-horror at the absurdness of this evil act, even Evil Guy gasped as he surprised himself with how evil he was being.**_

'_**You've got yourself a deal sir!' Gus Stevenson cried for joy and threw the keys to Evil Guy. The keys flew in slow motion as did the widening grin of Evil Guy. The camera flashed to Hitler's face and saw the look of depression as heartbroken music was playing in the background. Then it flashed to Rebecca Black and she was just trying to dance awkwardly. Then it flashed to Indiana Jones who was staring Evil Guy with heaps of angriness in his eyes. Then it flashed to Gus Stevenson who was rubbing his body with his cheque for $3001, which somehow got to him before Evil Guy even caught the keys. After he caught the keys, Evil Guy got into the car and looked back towards Indy Jones.**_

'_**Nice meeting you, I guess I'll catch you later... have a fun... WALK HOME!' Evil Guy threw his head back and laughed at his own lame joke as he drove away into the sunset, even though it was only 2:30pm so the sun wasn't setting yet, but it sounds cooler than saying 'he drove away into the still-risen-sun.' Hitler fell to his knees and started crying and screaming into the sky with his hands shaking all over the place in anger.**_

'_**We'll get you, Evil Guy, one day I'll get you...' Indy Jones said in a quiet angrily smooth action hero voice as he clenched his fists and watch the car drive away.**_

_**The camera began to zoom away from the group as Hitler cried, Rebecca Black danced, Gus Stevenson getting R18 over his first payment and Indy Jones being all Indy Jones-like and the Indiana Jones theme played in the background to the tune of Rebecca Black's Friday.**_

_**To.**_

_**Be.**_

_**Continued...**_


	3. Behind Enemy Lines

'_**Well, that's not something you see every day' Gus Stevenson chuckled, with that awkward, nervous chuckle you do in awkward situations.**_

'_**You know what else YOU don't see every day?' Indy Jones asked as he looked back over his shoulder at Gus, aiming the question at him specifically.**_

'_**What's that?' Gus asked with an expectant tone in his voice.**_

'_**Customers,' Indy said grimly as he, Hitler and Rebecca Black began to walk away from Gus Stevenson's Used Car Emporium. Gus Stevenson started running after him, crying and begging his first customers in 3 months to not leave.**_

'_**Please, don't leave; if you stay I'll give you my Runescape account for free! He's level 120 and has a Runecrafting level of 99!' He started blubbering as drool fell down the sides of his mouth.**_

'_**Everybody knows Runecrafting is the crappiest skill around,' Indy scoffed as the trio left the grounds, leaving Gus Stevenson behind, rocking back and forth in a ball murmuring 'No more customers' over and over.**_

'_**Now what do we do Indy? We have no car, and Evil Guy is running around causing havoc!' Hitler started hyperventilating.**_

'_**He's not running around...' Indy said slowly, 'He's driving around in your Honda Crap-bloody-tastic!' He shouted the last words in Hitler's face. Hitler flinched away like a child does when their favourite teacher yells at them. The only difference is, Indy doesn't have any Gold Stars to give to Hitler to apologise.**_

'_**We'll call a cab, from there,' Indy said in a serious, monotone voice as he pointed across the street to a fancy building. When they entered the building, Indy walked up to the reception desk and asked the typical, ugly receptionist to use the phone.**_

'_**Sure, just *snort* follow me to *snort* the *snort* kitchen, where the *snort* phone is,' She smiled a geeky smile as she snorted some more. Indy, Hitler and Rebecca followed the receptionist to the kitchen door, but when it was opened, only Rebecca followed her inside. The receptionist turned back to the men with a 'WTF are you doing look'.**_

'_**What *snort* are you *snort* doing?' She whined. Indy looked into the kitchen, then at Hitler, then back to the receptionist.**_

'_**This is a kitchen,' Indy simply said.**_

'_**Yes, and?' The Receptionist asked with a dumb-founded look on her face.**_

'_**And we're men...' Indy replied slowly, trying to get the obvious through this bitch's thick skull.**_

'_**Yes, you're men, and?' She asked, still not catching on.**_

'_**And this is a kitchen... Men don't go into kitchens, that's your place woman!' Indy yelled in her face.**_

'_**He's right,' Rebecca Black said because she was desperate for a line in this story that wouldn't involve making fun of her song. Indy pulled out the story's script and noticed that Rebecca wasn't meant to have a line there and gave her an angry look that said 'Just you wait until there're no witnesses' as he pointed to his backhand. Rebecca flinched away like a child does when their favourite teacher gives them a threatening look. The only difference is, Indy doesn't have any Gold Stars to give to Rebecca to apologise.**_

'_**It's too late to apologise... it's too laaaaaaaaaaaate' Rebecca started whispering, before Indy threw a book at her to shut her up.**_

'_**Now that she's shut her trap, call a damn cab for us, woman,' Indiana Jones ordered the ugly, geeky receptionist.**_

'_**Okay *snort* sir,' she said and went to order a cab.**_

_**TEN MINUTES LATER...**_

_**The cab finally pulled up outside the Kitchen Place – creative name, I know – and Indiana Jones & The Joneseys, the name Indy came up with for the gang in the last ten minutes - you should've been there, it was a funny situation, too bad you skipped forward in time – got into the cab. Indy noticed that the Cab had both a front seat AND back seat and groaned as he knew what was coming.**_

'_**Kicking in the front seat? Sitting in the back seat? Gotta make my mind up, which seat can I taaaaaaake?' Rebecca Black sang as Indy blocked his ears and shouted 'LA-LA-LA-LA' over and over.**_

'_**SHOTGUN!' Rebecca shouted as she ran towards the front seat.**_

'_**Shotgun,' Indy whispered quietly as he pointed a shotgun, which just randomly appeared in his hands, at Rebecca, who then quietly sat in the backseat with Adolf Hitler.**_

'_**Howdy folks, where to?' The friendly cab driver asked.**_

'_**Hitler's Miami Beach House' Indy said, staring straight ahead, expecting the Cab Driver to know where that is.**_

'_**You got it, sir' The Cab Driver said as he inserted 'Hitler's Beach House' into his GPS system, which began leading the way. In the backseat, Rebecca Black and Hitler started whispering to each other.**_

'_**Why is Indy hogging all of our group's lines this chapter?' Rebecca asked quietly.**_

'_**Adolf doesn't know, maybe he's on his period,' Hitler whispered.**_

'_**Guys get those?' Rebecca asked, believing him.**_

'_**Girls get those?' Hitler asked in disbelief.**_

'_**I had one once, it was amazing, it was like being an emo without all the cutting,' Rebecca smiled with a cheesy grin.**_

'_**Maybe we should ask Indy for more lines,' Hitler said.**_

'_**You've had some lines right now, gossiping behind my back,' a voice said, breaking up their gossip session. The pair turned towards the front and saw Indy had unbuckled himself and was leaning over his seat so his face was right beside the others'. They both leapt back in shock, hitting their heads on the car door. Turns out seatbelts only protect you from going FORWARD, what a design flaw.**_

'_**In...Indy, we were just meaning... maybe... we... er... we could get some of the spotlight,' Hitler stammered.**_

'_**Hitler, listen here, when you stop making religious-camps, THEN you can be the big star of your very own story. Heck, you might even get a spin-off when this one ends.' Indy said staring straight into Hitler's eyes. Hitler's eyes began to sparkle as he began thinking of all the fun adventures he could have on his very own spin-off, dancing on broadway, winning a hotdog eating contest or being the next Justin Bieber.**_

'_**What about me Indy? Will I get a spin-off?' Rebecca Black asked hopefully. Indy just stared at her.**_

'_**No,' he said with speed that would cut a girl's heart quicker than a really sharp knife, like those ones sold on infomercials, ya'know the ones that can cut through steel pipes in seconds! Call now, and receive another sharp knife that can cut through steel pipes in seconds ABSOLUTELY FREE!**_

'_**Oh,' Rebecca Black said, as her heart broke. Indy turned back to face the road and noticed that Cab Driver's GPS was turned off.**_

'_**Do you know where you're going?' Indy asked with uncertainty in his voice.**_

'_**Oh, I know where I'm going,' Cab Driver cackled an evil laugh that lasted for almost 7 seconds, but no one thought it was strange, every cab driver had some weird flaw. Then they turned a corner and a big castle appeared in front of them.**_

'_**Where are we going exactly?' Indy asked as his eyes narrowed on that castle. Cab Driver didn't reply, and simply tapped his cab driver ID card. Indy read it and noticed Cab Driver's real name: 'Bad Guy'. Indy gasped as his hand flew to his mouth.**_

'_**Y.. you're Evil Guy's brother!' Indy stammered. Bad Guy just grinned evilly and stopped the cab outside Evil Guy's big, dark castle. Hitler noticed the 1967 Honda Craptastic outside the garage and his eyes began to well with tears. Bad Guy exited the cab as Evil Guy's henchmen grabbed the Trio from the cab and pulled them from the car. Indy and Hitler tried to fight out of the henchmen's holds, while Rebecca Black just rocked side-to-side awkwardly in their grasp, making her captors look at each other awkwardly.**_

'_**Stop resisting, Indy,' Evil Guy grinned as he waltzed into the space in front of the trio.**_

'_**You clever bastard, you knew we'd have no choice but to call a cab after you stole Hitler's car,' Indy scowled at his nemesis.**_

'_**Of course you'd call a cab, you're an American, you're lazy,' Evil Guy stared straight into Indy's eyes. Indiana Jones turned his head to face his two side-kicks.**_

'_**Dangit, he's found our weakness,' he whispered to them. Their faces just darkened as they realised that Evil Guy meant business.**_

'_**Now, if you'd kindly follow me,' Evil Guy said as he gestured towards his castle. Indy looked at the houses up and down the street, and realised that they were all low-budget one-storey houses except for Evil Guy's massive castle. The henchmen forced Indiana Jones & The Joneseys after Evil Guy, after he got to the front door, Evil Guy stopped and grasped the door knob. He tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge. Evil Guy looked back at his prisoners with an embarrassed look on his face.**_

'_**The.. the door gets jammed sometimes,' He murmured as he shoulder barged the door open. When he entered the grand foyer, he turned to his henchmen.**_

'_**Throw them in the dungeon,' he grinned evilly as he pointed to a door that lead down. Indy, Hitler and Rebecca were then forced through the door, and down the stairs and could hear Evil Guy and his younger brother Bad Guy cackling evilly at their victory over the great Indiana Jones, the not-as-great Hitler and the no-one-cares-about Rebecca Black. The Henchmen threw the Trio into a prison cell and walked away, then Indy stood up and punched the concrete wall before grabbing the prison bars and staring outside the cell. Hitler and Rebecca Black just sat still as a grim-sounding remix of Indiana Jones theme played in the background.**_

_**To.**_

_**Be.**_

_**Continued...**_


	4. The Showdown

_**Three days had passed since Indiana Jones, Adolf Hitler and Rebecca Black had been thrown into Evil Guy's dungeon. Indy had barely stopped pacing the cell for the last three days, even sleep-pacing when he need to. Rebecca Black was curled up in the foetal position in a corner, rocking back and forth saying 'Friday... Friday... Friday...' over and over while Hitler was licking the concrete walls.**_

"_**I've got an idea of how we can escape" Indy exclaimed right in Hitler's ear, causing him to stumble back and trip over Rebecca Black, who also fell over causing them both to hit their heads, knocking them both out.**_

"_**Shit, it's all up to me now," Indy said in a grim tone as he put his dark shades on. Suddenly, Indy heard a dungeon door slam shut from somewhere down the hall and he heard footsteps approaching quickly. A guard began walking past, but was interrupted by Indy.**_

"_**YOU SIR!" Indy shouted as he pointed directly at the dungeon guard and added the second part to gain his attention, "I want to take you to a gay bar!" This caused the dungeon guard to turn and face Indy.**_

"_**Really? Which one? I quite like Double Stuffers and Gays Of The Week," The guard blushed. This was when Indy realised he'd hit on the only gay guard in Evil Guy's castle.**_

"_**Shit... I don't want to catch the gay germs..." Indy muttered to himself. The guard opened the cell door and started skipping toward Indy in a gay way, causing Indy to back up into a corner, holding his fingers out in front of him in the shape of a cross.  
"STAND BACK, DEMON!" Indy screamed at the homosexual. The guard stopped right in front of Indy.**_

"_**So, big boy, where do you want to go?" The guard smiled cheesily.**_

"_**I want to go and see a show," Indy nervously said in a high-pitch tone.**_

"_**Which one?"  
"The Nutcracker," Indy said grimly as he kicked the guard in the ballsack. The guard groaned as he started puking rainbows. Indy looked at the rainbows in disgust, "Typical gayboy." He looked at his two comrades in the form of Rebecca Black and Hitler before stealing a permanent marker from the gay guard's pocket. Indy then drew a moustache on each of their faces and a penis on the cheek of the gay guard's face. Indiana Jones then kicked Rebecca Black in the head before picked both her and Hitler up and placing them over his shoulders. He walked through the cell door, closing it and locking the gay guard inside. He then walked down the hallway, knocking Hitler's and Rebecca Black's heads against the concrete walls on numerous occasions. Once he got to the door to Evil Guy's Castle's foyer, he could hear noises on the other side and he carefully opened the door to Evil Guy's party he was holding.**_

"_**Chug! Chug! Chug!" Everyone was cheering as Bad Guy – Evil Guy's younger brother – was drinking from a beer bong. Indy tried sneaking around the room to the front door to sneak out, until he realised he wasn't looking where he was going and had walked up beside Bad Guy, in the middle of everyone else, and no way near the door. Everyone stopped partying and stared at Indy with his companions over his shoulders.**_

"_**Uh..." Indy started sweating, then began pumping his fist in the air while looking at Bad Guy, "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" but no one else joined in on the chant. Somewhere in the room, Indy could hear someone golf clapping, then Evil Guy slowly stood up from his throne on the far side of the room. Everyone made a path for Evil Guy to walk up to Indy.**_

"_**Well, well, well, the mighty Indiana Jones has managed to escape my dun –WHOA" Evil Guy began casually saying before he tripped on his untied shoelace. "Fucks sake, I specifically told the shoe store I wanted Velcro shoes! But noooooooo, shoelaces are back in fashion, they said, you won't pick up any chicks with Velcro, they said." Indy just stood there awkwardly, staring at Evil Guy mumbling to himself on the ground. Evil Guy remembered what he was doing and quickly threw his shoes away before turning back to Indy. **_

"_**So, you escaped, now what?" Evil Guy snapped.**_

"_**I was hoping you'd let me leave," Indy smiled sheepishly.**_

"_**How about this, I challenge you to a sing-off, either you or one of your unconscious friends can sing a song, then I will sing a song and whoever wins gets to decide whether you leave or not." Evil Guy said as he flipped his cool coin.**_

"_**You've got yourself a deal," Indy said as shadows fell over his face, before he dumped Hitler and Rebecca Black's limp bodies to the ground.**_

_**TEN MINUTES LATER...**_

_**Simon Cowell, Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga took their seats at the judging table as Evil Guy proudly stepped onto the stage to begin his song.**_

"_**Okay, Evil, what are you going to be singing to us today?" Simon said in his droney british accent... the ponce.**_

"_**Hi guys, I'm huge fans, it's so nice to finally meet you!" Evil Guy said.**_

"_**Just tell us what you're going to sing," Justin Timberlake said.**_

"_**Oh my god, I can't believe I'm actually meeting you all, Lady Gaga you look so beautifully masculine as usual," Evil Guy gushed.**_

"_**For God's sake, shut up and sing," Simon said as he threw his pen on the counter.**_

"_**I'm going to be singing 'U.G.L.Y.' by Daphne & Celeste" Evil Guy grinned toothily.**_

"_**Beautiful song," Justin nodded.**_

"_**U G L Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly! Eh! Hey! You ugly!" Evil Guy began shouting into the microphone as he stared at the judging panel. Indy was blocking his ears for the entire song, until Evil Guy finished his 'extended' version... 9 minutes later.**_

"_**Great song, great singing, your pitch was perfect, what was your inspiration behind picking this song?" Lady Gaga said in her monotone, annoying, stupid, idiotic voice.**_

"_**My inspiration was you, Miss Gaga ," Evil Guy said... including the words 'smiley face'.**_

"_**Well, it'd have to be a great follow-up performance to beat that," Simon said as he and Justin gave Evil Guy a standing ovation.**_

"_**Next up, we have Indiana Jones, from wherever he's from," Ryan Seacrest said on-stage. Indy nervously walked onto the stage as his knees wobbled beneath him.**_

"_**Hello Simon, Justin, Lady... yuck," Indy cringed when he finally saw how ugly Lady Gaga truly is.**_

"_**Hello, Indiana, sing whenever you're ready," Simon nodded. Indy stood on stage with all of Evil Guy's party-goers staring at him in the crowd, he began nervously thinking in his head, **_**what song can I sing? Shit, they're all staring at me, is there something in my teeth?**_**, everyone in the crowd began boo'ing Indy to get off of the stage, until a lightbulb went off above Indy's head. He had to duck and cover his head as broken lightbulb shards rained down onto him, then he suddenly thought, **_**I know the song...**

"_**Indiana, are you going to start singing?" Simon sighed loudly. Indy then placed the microphone near his mouth and opened to begin singing.**_

"_**NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN, NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOOOOOOOOOU" Indy began dancing as he belted out his favourite song... until it happened. Indiana Jones lost his voice. All the judges could hear was little squeaks coming from Indy's mouth.**_

"_**Indiana, either get someone else to sing, or you lose," Simon said.**_

"_**But both of my friends are knocked out, Simon," Indy said as tears began forming in his eyes, "Please, one more shot, I'll sing a different song! I quit my job for this opportunity!"**_

"_**I'm sorry, you had your shot," Simon shrugged. Then a hand gripped Indy's shoulder, causing him to turn around and see Rebecca Black standing there with her awkward smile.**_

"_**I can sing, Indy, I'll save us," She nodded, causing Indy to wonder why she's nodding, he didn't ask her a nod-worthy question. "god, you're such a stupid bitch," Indy muttered under his breath as he handed her the microphone. Rebecca Black went to the centre of the stage and held the microphone to her mouth. Everyone cringed as they prepared for 'Friday' to escape her lips.**_

"_**This is my moment... my mooooment... it's my time flying high my my.." Rebecca Black started singing her new song and managed to get through the whole song. Rebecca Black closed her eyes as she soaked up the glory and heard people cheering her name and she smiled, until she opened her eyes. Turns out, they weren't cheering her name, they were shouting 'Kill Rebecca Black' while charging the stage with burning pitchforks. Indy and a now-awoken Hitler rushed the stage to Rebecca's side.**_

"_**Everybody stop... Rebecca, that was an awful performance, the winner is Evil Guy," Simon Cowell said as he and his fellow judges left.**_

"_**Looks like the better man won," Evil Guy smirked as he came to the front of the angry mob.**_

"_**Evil Guy, before you make your decision, can I say something?" Hitler said his first words this chapter.**_

"_**What is it, you stupid moustache?" Evil Guy said angrily.**_

"_**Look over there!" Hitler pointed to the upper corner of the foyer, away from the trio of heroes, causing Evil Guy, Bad Guy and the rest of the angry mob to turn and look where he was pointing.**_

"_**RUN!" Hitler said in his comical, stereotypical German accent. Indy Jones, Hitler and Rebecca Black sprinted from the stage, and out the front door of the Castle.**_

"_**There's nothing there you stupid piece of – Where the hell did they go?" Evil Guy screamed as he turned back around.**_

_**OUTSIDE...**_

_**The Indiana Jones and The Joneseys stopped running to catch their breath once they'd run a few metres down the road. He turned back to make sure no one was following them.**_

"_**What do we do now, Indy?" Rebecca Black puffed as she looked at the protagonist of the story.**_

"_**We plan...," Indy stared into the sun, "we plan an attack to take down Evil Guy once and for all, he's a smart opponent, we'll need a well thought-out strategy. Hitler, you're good at organising attacks, do you have any ideas?"**_

"_**Not yet, Indy, I just want to go home and watch the newest episode of The Bachelor, I hear two of the girls get angry at each other in this episode," Hitler jumps from foot to foot in glee.**_

"_**Right, I guess it's up to me then," Indy said grimly.**_

"_**I can help with the strategy, Indy," Rebecca Black awkwardly swayed from side to side. Indy looked at her and scoffed.**_

"_**Go make me a sandwich, woman," Indy said as the trio continued walking down the street. The camera panned away from the group as they walk into the sunset, showing the castle in the foreground as they continue on their journey with a techno remix of the Indiana Jones theme plays in the background.**_

_**To.**_

_**Be.**_

_**Continued...**_


End file.
